Life Goes On

I think my Gypsy Soul,
Creative Self, 
Spiritual Heart is on 
shut down for a bit.


I know its just been a month 
tomorrow but I have so
many feelings that just keep
churning over and over again in
my mind and thoughts. 
Feeling like I have not just
lost my mom but I 
lost myself.

So....do you have a certain
comfort food?
Do you turn to it when you
are low and down?
Is it a food that you have
carried with you through life?



Well for me its just food in general and 
basically food I should be staying
away from.
But as far as sandwiches that was
a fave while growing up...
PB&J
and I do still love them.

 However yesterday I had to cook
some chicken tenders I laid out the 
night before to thaw.
Decided that I would make
soup.

Oh it was good.

Night before last night (and last
night) I was having issues
going to sleep so I decided
to look through things
at moms. 

Her sister Carolyn past away
in 2011.
Right after that mom started
picking up change that she
said Carolyn was tossing 
down at her.
I found a vase with change in 
it.




Oh my mom.....oh my.

Yesterday two of my nephews 
were in Georgia. So on the way
home they decided to ride through
Cedartown Ga. my mom's hometown.
Cobi had been there five yrs ago with
his dad and mom told them how
to get to the house that she
lived in at the age of 14.
Cobi wanted to drive back through
there. He called me wanting
to know if I had the address.
However it had been about 15
yrs since I had been there and
all I could remember was the street 
name. 
While looking through things of
moms trying to locate the address
I saw this.
(my moms organizational skills have always
been amazing)

Chase is another nephew. Chase
took up racing at the age of 14.
Here are internet clippings, and 
newspaper clippings that mom saved
through Chase's racing yrs.


Okay....back to the first story, looking
for the address..
The name of the street was enough
for Cobi to locate the house from
his memory. 
My aunt Martha was born in this home.
She is 14 yrs younger than my mom.
The home mom was born in was
torn down a long time ago.



One day I want to grab my cameras, get 
someone to come stay with the 
multitude of pets and drive to 
Cedartown. Go to the three cemeteries I 
have relatives buried at, go by this place,
my great aunts old home and my 
great grannies old place....I wanted
to take mom back but we ran out
of time.

Now another look at the healing
(slowly)
arm, took these last night (11 days).
Knot going down but not looking 
pretty.



And the back side is still looking
yucky. Still some blood pooling.
Meds almost gone and apt for recheck
is the 18th.


 As for the head crap I caught
a few days after mom's passing, 
still blowing my nose. It never got down
to the chest which is great. Most folks
I talk to say getting rid of the cough is
the worst but that is not my issue. 
THE RUNNY NOSE is driving
me NUTS. 
Wow....its been a wicked month and 
a half. 

Yesterday while chilling (all day) in the
living room the TV cut off and I have
yet to get it back on. I let my two brothers
know that mom's biggest tv died (just so 
there is no questions later) so today I 
will probably run to my house and 
get one of mine. Thank goodness
for the flat tvs these days.
Mom has a small recliner in her room and
a tv there, this is where she lived most of
her time. The living room was never
used however I can't just sit in 
the bedroom. There are a couple more
smaller tvs here but I need a big one for that
long living room....

Supposed to have dinner with Justin (My
friend Laura's son) and
another friend of Laura's, Bonita.
I need to go.
I am not sure I want to go.
But I need to get out.
I need to see Justin. I know he
knows I have not forgotten him, 
he knows what I am dealing with
but yesterday was his first bday without
his mom. Mine will be in a few days. 



Comments

wisps of words said…
Way too soon, for me to ask but..... How long is this going to go on? Living there...? Dealing with all the many things, which you have to deal with, living there....?

How long can you put your life on hold, for an animal? Because you said that is why you are doing it... For the old dog.

It's really ok, if you don't want to post this. REallly is!

Hugs...

💛
Christine said…
Well happy birthday when it comes!
Brian said…
The Dad used to have bologna sandwiches when he was growing up. I hope your arm is all better soon.
Rhodesia said…
Just think of all the good work you have done getting your weight down, don't go off the rails and put it back on. Just take care and look after yourself. A very dear friend of mine went off the rails a year ago from stress and she is now bigger than anyone else I know. Please do not go there. Hope that arm soon improves. Please think carefully what you do next, your mother would be so upset if she thought she had caused you a lot of stress. Have a good week Diane
Sally said…
Oh, Pam, I'm so sorry. Losing a parent is very difficult, and I know you and your mom were very close. My prayers are with you.

Yes, do try to get out as much as you can even when you may not want to especially. I find that I need to more myself lately; except for going over home, I rarely get out except the store or library.

Do you like to read? And, I didn't know about your accident; hope the healing goes fast from now on.

xoxo
Liz A. said…
Sometimes it's good to push yourself. Sometimes it's good to take it easy. I hope you find your balance.

Take care. A month isn't very long. Just take it one day at a time.
NanaDiana said…
A month or so is not a long time to grieve at all! Give yourself time and don't feel bad that you are still thinking about it.

How fun that the kids were able to find the old place. It would be nice if you were able to get away to visit the old homeplace. It might be a sort of healing journey for you.

I love that your mom was so organized. That is what I am trying to be, too. xo Diana
Darla M Sands said…
I feel for you. ~hugs~ My inclination these days is to stay indoors.
Ann said…
I have that head crap right now and It's only been about a week. I don't know if I can handle this for a month.
Those firsts are tough but you can make it through.
Jeanie said…
I'm worried about your arm. But glad the head is easing up a bit.

Hang in there, my friend. Just let yourself handle one day at a time and when the grief bursts come, find your safe place and go with it. Grieving is a lifelong process. It doesn't stop on a certain date and things will come back to you many years after. But the thing is, I think it's a bit like what they say childbirth is. You remember it is awful and painful but you also have the joy of loving and remembering back on the very loveliest of times. Each event is especially hard the first year, but you will heal. It just takes time.
A month is really not a long time to grieve.
You must give yourself time and don't feel bad that you are still thinking about it.

Thinking of you and sending my good wishes.

All the best Jan

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